Business Briefs

From the pages of The Goosebury Observer
Check out the toilet paper

before that interview!

An effective job interview is, or should always be, proceeded by a candidate finding out as much about the prospective employer as possible.

Search the internet, read trade magazines, ask, ask, ask.

But don’t forget to check the toilet paper in the company washrooms.

It is a proven fact that companies that are trying to cut costs (which could be an indication that they are in financial difficulty) go immediately to 1-ply toilet paper.

Go to your interview with enough lead time to get into the bathroom. No receptionist will deny you the use of their facilities when asked. Go immediately to a stall, pull out a few squares and give the TP the finger test. Now, 1-ply paper is obvious and you can make that determination with a visual examination. But there are different grades of 1-ply TP. See how easy it is push your finger through a square. How many times would you have to fold it over to be able to use it the way is was intended to be used. Then apply the following scale:

2-PLY PLUSH paper that would feel good on any part of your body. This is a company you want to work for. Chances are you’ll discover a lot more perks during the interview process.
2-PLY regular. Probably a good company to work for. May not as many perks, salary may be slightly lower, but all-in-all a good risk.
1-PLY normal. This represents a company having difficulty but not really on the ropes. Cost-cutting measures have been implemented and your salary may be hard to negotiate upward.
1-PLY that doesn’t pass the finger test. Get out now while you can. Business Briefs is published weekly in The Goosebury Observer.

If you would like to contribute an article please send submissions to Editor@goosebury.com

Primary Re-thinking

For the first time in recorded Goosebury history, we feel unable to predict a winner. Our townsfolk are so divided on the candidates that we have been thrown in a tizzy. Oh, we did have a winner. But it wasn't Romney, McCain, Hillary, or Obama. They all came in pretty close together.

The actual winner was Jake Offenready, the local barber. Now, I know that Jake wasn't on any of the state's ballots, but the townsfolk really like Jake and they often rely on his wisdom. So they wrote his name in. Yes, he is a college graduate (Goosebury State class of '75) but his down to earth understanding of people, politics, and his wife makes him a most admired man.

Jake will probably not get elected president, but that doesn't matter to most folks. They are tired of the field of candidates thrust upon us by the party bosses and steered down the election road by a media with an agenda. They just want a person they can trust and even if he isn't elected President. At least they know that they voted for the best man.

So, I guess that whoever is elected, we will support him or her, but dang it, why can't a guy like Jake ever get a shot!

Primary thinking

There is no more exciting event in Goosebury than the presidential primaries. It’s not that the nation is watching us to see how we vote, In fact, ours is not an official primary election.
You see, we have been staging a presidential primary since the days of Teddy Roosevelt. And every election year we have discovered that our results almost always mirror the final outcome. You would think that pollsters and pundits would be watching us closely in order to predict the winners of the two major parties. They don’t.
Apparently, Goosebury doesn’t have the same bulgasity as say, Peoria, New Hampshire, or South Carolina. But, we don’t mind being ignored. If the word got around and people started taking us seriously (when it comes to voting), we couldn’t handle the press and onslought of visitors.
The Goosebury Hotel, and Maude’s Motel and Carwash are always booked up during primary week. We would have to set up a tent city for the reporters and camera crews and that would be a public relations nightmare.
No, we keep to ourselves, do our own thing and quietly predict who the primary winners will be. We know, and we don’t care if the world ignores us. It gives us a sort of a sense of superiority.
If you really care, our primary elections are on January 15 and we’ll let you know who wins. Just keep it to yourself.

Dan Foxworth, Editor
The Goosebury Observer
Contact: Jeff@Goosebury.com

Jed Peabody Continues to Amaze!

GOOSEBURY--Jed Peabody, who amazed our readers last year by attempting to swallow a chipmunk (see Observer 7/25/06), continued to bring dubious honors upon himself by attempting to iron a shirt while on his body. According to Jed, it "seemed stupid to waste time using an ironing board to iron my shirt and then have to put it on after that." Jed, amazing as it seems, then tried to iron the shirt while on his body. According to a nurse at the emergency room, it appears that Mr. Peabody was successful in partially ironing the right front of the shirt before it occurred to him that he was an idiot. Mr. Peabody was released from Goosebury General Hospital and taken home by his mother, Agnus Peabody. Mrs. Peabody stated that "my son has a history of innovation and this particular innovation will hurt all of us for some time." When asked for a comment, Mr. Peabody muttered something to the effect that "the guys will laugh at me now that I only have one nipple."

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